April comes to a close

I made this list of 20 Little Things early in January on a Sunday afternoon. I can't really remember what happened that morning. But somehow by 2 or 3 p.m. that day, I'd managed to find a sliver of time in which my brain was not cluttered, my son was not calling for me, my chores were out-of-sight-out-of-mind, work was a day away. I scribbled down the list quickly, throwing on it all sorts of jumbled dreams and ideas I harbor. Some practical, some purposeful, some intended to teach me something new or bring me an experience I had to that point lacked.  I didn't have to think long or hard. It was all right there. Once it was on paper, I felt instantly excited about what this year was going to be.

I still want all those things for myself. It still excites me to picture a life in which they're all realities.

But I'm going to forgive myself right now.

I'm failing the list.

It's OK. It was a moment in time when I made some absurd decry about my life for 12 uncharted months. What the hell did I know then?

I'm not saying I'm giving up or anything. Hell, I plan to plant that herb garden tomorrow. But I am admitting that perhaps I was too lofty. A list of 20 actual events might have been easier. Single-time things that I could scratch off and be done with. But some of the things on that list are daily things. Some weekly. Some came with arbitrarily assigned quotas. Why do I need to write one letter a month, really? What's at the heart of it is I simply like the idea of writing letters and would like to do it more. That's all. Same with prayer and with calling my brothers... They're on the list for a reason, but I am now questioning whether it was smart to set such rigid guidelines for how they're to happen.

Look. I don't know what it is. The spring air? Some serious inbalance in my life? The reality of being a mom with a toddler and a full-time job? But something has had me teetering lately. Fine one moment, practically certifiable the next. I honestly can not tell you what exactly is wrong. Maybe nothing. Maybe I just need to appreciate everything I have more, because I am blessed beyond belief.

I don't want you think I'm coo-coo-la-la-land crazy over here. I'm not. Like I said, much of the time, all is well. But I assume honesty is appreciated. So here's me being honest.

I'm scared to have another kid. It's going to hurt. It's going to be hard to be a mom of two. It might mean I walk away from my career. I can't promise that the child will be healthy; the last one wasn't. Maybe that one was my fault; maybe I'll make the same mistakes unknowingly again. The clock is ticking.

What else? My job. There is a lot I'd love to say about it, but I won't here. The thing I will say is that the thing that drove me, personally, this silly-little-dream that I could be great at what I do... it's hard to access right now. It's not gone, but perhaps buried. I feel sad and purposeless without it.

What else? Being a mom is the most rewarding, wonderful thing in my life. But tonight my son screamed for 10 minutes because I wouldn't give him my bowl at dinner. I thought he wanted my food, and could not solve the equation, until finally, it dawned on me. The fucking bowl. He wanted the f-ing bowl. He delights me more than anything ever, and I love him to the bottom of my heart and back up a thousand times. But also, he tires me. He doesn't stop. Ever. Hearing him say 'Mama' makes my heart do little dances. But also, he says it about 500 times a day. Sometimes -- many times -- for no reason.

What else? My imperfect little brain with all its issues is still floating around in my head, causing trouble. In a cage match with my heart, it wins every time, and my little heart is sitting in the corner more than it should be, trying to puff itself back up.

All these hairy emotional personal icky little issues. They hit the list in a lot of ways. Make me want to eat cookies and pizza instead of fruits and whole grains, and sleep in instead of workout, and watch TV instead of anything else. They turn me inward, where I can stew and feel badly about everything, instead of outward, to productive things like praying or serving others.

I'm no superwoman. I guess that's all I'm saying.

So. I'm laying down an amendment.

If I don't meet these 20 Little Things by the letter, I will continue to try to meet them by their spirit. That's what I really care about anyway.

I certainly didn't make this little list so I could feel bad that I'm failing at it. So this is just an FYI, that I'm changing the game or the rules or whatever. It's my game anyway.

Catching up, part 2

Where did we leave off? Oh, yes.

Grow a fresh herb: Perhaps this Saturday would be a good day to plant my container garden, no? I'm thinking: basil, thyme, rosemary, dill, hmmm, what else? What's easy? If you know, please do tell me!

Hold a dinner party: Yes, check-mark. Full post on the Seinfeld dinner party will be coming soon!

Keep an up-to-date calendar. Oh my. MAJOR fail. Ultimate fail. Besides water, probably my weakest link. I am going to schedule a 30 minute catch-up for this Thursday. I don't care when Thursday, but at some point that day, I'll get it back on track.

Make something crafty: I've already completed this of course, but that hasn't stopped me from continuing to craft! Full post coming this week about my attempt to make a make-up bag, and a few new DIY pocket bibs! Also, if I finish it, an apron. I just cut the fabric last night.

Read 25 books. Eee. This is another black hole. I have started so many. But you know, I do think I will have one to say I finished later this week. I'm reading a book about not taking yourself too seriously as a mom. It's refreshing, and perhaps just what I needed to chill me out.

Run a 10K. Crickets! I did have my eyes on a 10K that's coming up this weekend, but it turns out I have to work Sunday. So I'm back at zero. My goal: scan the next few months and see what's coming up. I believe there actually might be a perfect solution -- a 10K the goes right by my house!

Set aside 30 minutes per week for prayer, This is getting embarrassing! Do my middle-of-the-night prayers count? Probably not. So. Listen up. I will be getting up at 5:50 tomorrow. I will pray until 6:20. It's said. It's done. If you have someone for me to pray for, leave me a comment.

Take Luke to the beach. I have my eyes on July 1. We'll have to see if the weather cooperates.

Take more videos of Luke. I took one on my phone a few days ago of him counting to 20! He skips many numbers and always ends up saying, "18, 19, 20, 18! Twenty and the last 18 are both yelled. If I can figure out a way, I'll post it here soon.

Write one letter and mail it each month. I'm going to write a company I love to tell them how much I love them. People don't do that enough anymore.

Write something not for work. A little deflated here after the big-time magazine didn't bite on any of my story ideas. But I am also boasted by their interest alone. I have a few ideas kicking around in there.

Today I sat and watched Luke play at the park, and for the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely inspired. Not by any idea in particular, but just simply inspired. Like I was noticing things, breathing in the world, not simply stewing in some mix of anxiety or fear or worry. Moved to see the wind blowing in the trees, energized by the realization that there are characters and words and story ideas in there. I should get them out onto paper sometime.

Catching up

Ha! I make a post saying I'm back and then take off another few days.

Forgive me. This month is just nutso insane. Lots going on. I'll stop now and get on with it.

Since I have a lot of catching up to do, I'm going to do a little run through the list. Shall we?

Bake sourdough bread: Nope, sorry. I am saving this for the fall. Won't it be nice when the first chill hits the air to take to the kitchen and bake up a loaf of sourdough? To serve with a big pot of soup? Mmmm. Yes, I will save this for sure.


Call my brothers once a month: Talked to Scott today! We had lots to talk about. He put an offer in on a condo. And he got himself a puppy! Ozzie... do you not love him?

Do a random act of kindness: Um, wow. Just realized my day is tomorrow! I'll be uber busy with the March for Babies. We'll see what I can come up with.


Do something service related: See above! I think raising money for the March of Dimes counts! Right?

Drink more water: Oh my goodness. How amazingly I'm failing at this one! I just am not drinking water at all. Barely a sip. What happened? I don't know! Well, most likely, I simply got lazy. The result is I've been more tired and grumpy feeling all month. Can I really blame that on lack of water? I think so! It's a subtle difference, but drinking a good amount of water just makes everything work better. My mind, my body, my sleep, everything.

Eat right (more whole grains, less meat, more fruits and veggies): Doing OK. Not great. Social events make eating right tough. Being tired and grumpy makes the desire to cook wane. The result: too much eating out and not taking my lunch to work with me. But I'm please to report I did try: at the Frozen Four, I walked around the concourse until I found a vendor that sold veggie burgers. The funny part is that I am pretty sure they still served me a cheeseburger. But I did try! I also ordered veggie creole at my husband's birthday dinner, bypassing many many tempting dishes with andoielle sausage. Mmmmm sausage. This morning, at breakfast out with friends, I ordered a vegan tostada. So there! I'm trying! The one area I could really stand to work on is fruit. Surprising because I love fruit. So why am I barely eating any?


Establish a 6 a.m. workout routine: Boooo! Since Jazzercise, this hasn't happened. Time to get back on the train. I am buying a four-month membership to Jazzercise. That'll do the trick.

Fast once per quarter: Maybe I should set a date.

Go on six dates with the hubby man: Check mark! We had a great time last weekend at his surprise 30th birthday party. Most of it was a solo date. First, I took him to the gun range. I know it's weird, but he's been having a mimi mid-life crisis lately about his lack of "life experiences," among them, shooting a gun. So we bought a round of bullets and rented him a 9mm. I have never felt more out of place anywhere in my life (well, except maybe all of middle school). After that, we had dinner with family and friends at his favorite restaurant, then a drink with a couple more friends before heading out to see Jerry Seinfeld at the Fox Theatre. Best part of the show: a lengthy bit about Pop-tarts. Worst part: when the guy behind us commented to his friend how the theatre might be a terrorist target because of "all the Jews there."

Go to breakfast with friends once a month: It's possible I did two this month! Once with my friend Jen, followed by a refreshing 30 minute walk. And this morning with one of my 13 pregnant friends, followed by a fabric shopping trip. I love Saturday mornings.

OK, we'll do the next 10 tomorrow!

Finding your purpose

Do you ever think, "What's my purpose?"

I'm not talking in the big, grand, why-am-I-here-on-this-planet way of thinking. Although I suppose that's a good thing to know, too.

No, I'm thinking more like, "What's my purpose for this day?" Or for this hour? Or even, for the next 10 minutes?

It's really not something I think about very often. Usually, I have a buzz in my mind, a jumbled hornet's nest of all my thoughts about things I need to get done. They toss and turn up there, and then, depending on how I'm feeling, what I see, what someone says to me, or any number of other random factors, I decide what to do next. It might be the thing I really need to get done. Or it might not be.

Often that thing I do next is try to escape the buzz. I jump online and browse mindlessly. I flick on the TV. I  sit and stare at the walls, humming and rocking back and forth.

OK, it's not that bad. But it has dawned on me lately that I might feel better -- more organized, more efficient, more badass -- if I knew what the heck my purpose was. If I took one minute to think about what I truly want to accomplish each morning, or in the evening before I go to bed for the next day. Or when I get home from work.

Sometimes my purpose should be to relax and unwind for 10 minutes. But I think those 10 minutes will be more satisfying if I know they're truly the best use of my time at that moment.

I am a list lover -- this blog is example of that. So why am I not doing this? Why am I not getting buzz out of my head, and onto paper, where I can evaluate it and come to discover my purpose?

I'm going to try to do better. I'm having trouble sticking to many of these "20 little things" and I think it's this mental discord. They're all swimming up in my head with a label of eventually or later. I need to take a few minutes out of my life, multiple times a day, to assign myself my purpose, including remember to live those 20 little things.

So here's my plan: carry a notebook where I write down what my purpose is for the day. I plan to check in with myself in the morning, at lunch, when I get home from work, and before bed. More if needed. I also want to make it a mental habit, a common instant where I pause as things get hectic and ask myself, What is my purpose now, truly? I don't always need to write it down, but I think that will help.

How do you find your purpose? Do you just wander through your days like me, doing what seems to make sense in the moment? Do you take time to think about what it is you truly want to or need to accomplish in the next five minutes, five hours, five days? Please share with me!

January round-up

January by the numbers:

Things I finished from my list: 0

Nothing to scratch off, but that's OK. 11 months to go. 

Daily list items I give myself a B or higher grade in: 3 out of 4

I'm eating better (but nowhere near perfectly) drinking more water and eating more whole grains. I have established a Google calendar and have remembered to add some things to it. (Baby steps, people!) My 6 a.m. workout needs a major kick in the pants.

Monthly list items I completed in January: 3.5 out of 5

I did a random act of kindness. I wrote a letter (but still need to mail it). I went to breakfast with my friend Jules. I called both of my brothers. I did not technically do something service-related besides signing up to be a volunteer for the Detroit Reading Corps (more on this later!) and working for It's My Heart-Metro Detroit. I'm the chapter secretary. So I wasn't a total bum. But I do need to sweat it a little and push myself to really get my hands dirty and serve.

Ongoing list items I made progress on: 1

I read two books. Twenty-three to go. The one I really need to work on? OK, the two I need to work on? Setting aside a weekly half-hour for prayer. And taking more videos of Luke. Stay tuned for the one video I have later this week, and my plea for help (help!) for figuring out my video camera so I can take more.

Items left on list: 20 (with one spare)

Overall?

January was decent. 

As they say... Onward and upward

See the full list, broken into those categories, here. 

Sunday progress report No. 1

Each Sunday, I'll do an inventory. Hopefully it will help me stay on track and re-evaluate what's working. I'll cross off any items I can and score myself on the weekly category. I'll also try to give myself some things to think about for the next week.

Gee, was that official sounding or what?

So... how am I doing?

Well, given this is a one-week-old venture, how bad could things be. I'm still riding that wave of excitement that comes with starting something new. You're motivated. You're committed. It hasn't gotten hard yet.

Daily: The workout? Needs working out. I am having trouble going to bed on time and waking up on time. Did it twice last week.

Also need to work on my water. It's just such an afterthought for me. I'd say on average I drink about two glasses right now -- which granted is two more than I used to!

The food is improving. I have been eating less meat -- even tossed around the idea (after finishing Skinny Bitch) of going vegetarian. Don't know if I'm there yet. But when I meal planned today, I included only one day with a meat-based dinner. I've also been going ga-ga for the whole grains. In my cupboards: whole wheat bread, whole wheat tortillas, quinoa, steel-cut oatmeal, whole wheat english muffins, two kinds of whole wheat pasta, organic whole grain DRINK, (?!) Multi-grain cheerios, and another whole-grain cereal. I actually am enjoying the taste of ALL of these whole grains. I think the only hurdle for me will be convenience; it's one thing to stock the home cupboards, it's another to find whole grains out in a restaurant or cafeteria.

The calendar? It is ON. I decided to stick with Google. Loaded that baby up with my standing appointments (small group, It's My Heart meetings, play group, weekly work meetings and deadlines). Now I need to take 10 minutes daily to make sure that baby is updated. I can do that.

Daily score: 5

Monthly:  I need to get on several of these.
   Do something service related:  I need to define what something "service-related" is. And, um, do one.
   Go to breakfast with friends: I went to breakfast this month with my girl Julie last weekend, so I consider that taken care of! Yea! One thing is dunzo for this month!
   Call my brothers: One brother down, one will be called Tuesday on his birthday!
   Do a random act of kindness for a stranger: Gulp. This is tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm going to do.
   Write one handwritten letter and mail it: Still need to do this, as I'm not thinking regular thank-you notes should count, right?

Ongoing:
   Take more videos of Luke: I'm having technical issues here. More on that this week.
   Fast once per quarter. Skinny Bitch actually had some good information on this. I will try to tackle this in February.
   Read 25 books: I've read two! Food Matters and Skinny Bitch.
   Set aside 30 minutes for prayer a week: Whoops. I don't think I did that this week.
   Go on six dates -- out of the house -- with my husband: I need to define what a "date" is. Was last night when we went out for a friend's 30th birthday party a date, or must we be alone?
  Grow a fresh herb: Got a few months to go before I think about this.

One and done: None have been done!

For the next week, I need to keep up with the daily habits that have started to form, remember to update my calendar daily, find time to pray, complete my ROAK, call my brother, read a little each day, write my hand-wrttien letter and work on defining what all of these things mean and how I'll complete them.

Oh, and... pray.

No biggie, right?

Ducks, get thee into a row!

First things first. Instead of actually accomplishing anything on my list, I will utilize a popular procrastination technique -- I will organize and plan.

I like to plan. I'm so much better at that than the doing. So let's start there.

To help me wrap my little brain around this, I'm going to separate things into the following categories: daily, monthly, one and done and ongoing items. If something doesn't fit into one of those lists, well, I will squeeze it in like Michael Phelps into a speedo.

Let's just think about that image for a moment. Mmmm.

Okay.

Moving on.

Here's how it breaks down.

Daily: 
    Drink more water
    Eat more whole grains, fruits and veggies and less meat.
    Keep an up-to-date calendar
    Establish a 6 a.m. workout routine that works

Once a month:
   Do something service related
   Go to breakfast with friends
   Call my brothers
   Do a random act of kindness for a stranger
   Write one handwritten letter and mail it

Ongoing:
   Take more videos of Luke
   Fast once per quarter
   Read 25 books
   Set aside 30 minutes for prayer a week
   Go on six dates -- out of the house -- with my husband
  Grow a fresh herb

One and done: 
    Bake a loaf of sourdough
    Write something not for work
    Run a 10K
   Take Luke to the beach
   Hold a dinner party
   Make something craftty

My reaction after reading that: damn! How am I ever going to do all that?

But also, wow, if I do, that's really going to be fun. Seriously! I sound geeky, but I don't care. I truly am geeked.

Now, in the coming days, here's what to expect. A brief bit about each of these items: why each one is on the list, and what my "plan" is for taking care of it. If I know anything, which is certainly questionable, it's that I am not going to do a single one of these little things if I don't figure out how and plan a little. So we'll look at that. I'll start with the item that I just know is going to be the hardest to accomplish.

Want to wager a guess which one that is?

Hi. I am going to do 20 little things.

First thing you should know: I like to make lists.

Second thing: I am rarely good at following them.

And so it is against all odds (gotta ratchet up the drama, right) that I set out to blog my way through a master to-do list of 20 little things.

They really are small things. Nothing earth-shattering. But they're soul-boosting. They make me feel nice and happy. And that's nice for everyone.

What do you need to know about me? Not too much, I'd think. We all have lists like this, the things we mean to do. Some people write them down. Some people just know in their heads and hearts what's on their list.
 
But no matter which approach you take, I'd venture to say, a lot of people never get around to crossing those items off.

I want to make 2010 fab. I want to emerge from the other side feeling like, you know what, I didn't waste my time this year. I did some things. I had some fun. I was good to me, good to the people I love, good to the earth, good to strangers.

So off we go.

Here's what's on my list. Along the way, I'll blog about how I'm doing. I'll share photos and videos. I'll try to update this frequently. I'm going to invite a number of "real-life" contacts -- my friends and family -- to follow this. If you are one of those people (aren't YOU lucky!) than I would love love love for you to join me in any of these (in fact, you'll be forced to join me in some of them) and to comment here and hold me accountable in person. Smack me around a little when I'm slacking. Tell me I rock, and that I smell pretty -- that's just something everyone likes to hear.

And share your list with me, and I won't mind smacking you around or telling you you rock either.

Enough blathering. Here's my list, presenting in no real order.
1. Bake sourdough bread.
2. Write something not for work.
3. Run a 10K.
4. Take more videos of Luke.
5. Fast once per quarter.
6. Take Luke to the beach.
7. Keep an up-to-date calendar.
8. Establish a 6 a.m. workout routine that works.
9. Eat more whole grains and fruits and veggies and less meat.
10. Read 25 books.
11. Drink more water.
12. Do something service related once a month.
13. Set aside 30 minutes per week for prayer.
14. Go on six dates -- out of the house -- with my husband.
15. Go to breakfast with friends once a month.
16. Hold a dinner party.
17. Mark something crafty.
18. Call my brothers once a month.
19. Do a random act of kindness once a month -- must be for a stranger.
20. Write one handwritten letter and mail it each month.
21. Grow a fresh herb.

What? Yeah, there are 21 things. Why? Well, because look, life is inevitably going to make one of these hard. I just know it. That's OK. If I don't do these all, that's OK. By having 21, I just make it that extra bit likely that I'll hit 20 little things.

So that's it. That's going to be my 2010. I think it'll be great.