Mid-fast

My next-door neighbors moved out last weekend. I mentioned that in another post. I looked at their house last night and choked up a bit. Why? Well, it bums me out that Luke will no longer have a playmate right next door; their son was two months older. I know that we'll still get the boys together, but it won't be the same. It just won't be.

But it's more than just that. It's also more than the fact that they were incredibly nice, and that they always had whatever it was we needed to borrow (a really tall ladder, an extra set of hands to move a couch, lemon pepper, a single egg).

Part of why it is difficult for me to see them go is dealing with the unknown of who will move in.

I can't control that. I can't control if they will be equally nice, or whether they'll be close to us in age. I don't know that they'll take good care of the house, like our previous neighbors did. I don't know that they won't throw loud parties. I can't control if they have yippy dogs. Or an RV that they'll want to park in the front yard.

This is, I'm sure, the kind of swallow stuff everyone worries about when they get new neighbors. We hope they are nice, friendly, upstanding, all of that. But we also hope that their habits and lifestyle don't infringe on our own too badly.

Maybe some people worry about that less than others. As I walked around the block last night with Luke, for some reason, something dawned on me that hasn't in some time: on the scale of control freaks, I can rank fairly high.

It makes me anxious when I don't get to have my way. To choose my own path. To set the limits. To have the last word. I want to be in control not just of myself, but of the environment all around me.

I say all this now because it has more to do with my reaction to my neighbors leaving. It is likely also the root reason I have held off on once-a-quarter fast until today.

I don't like giving up control, even of what food I put into my mouth. Not to anyone -- including God.

To say this is standing in the way of my spiritual development is an understatement. It is THE reason I fail to grow. It is the wall standing between me and an authentic relationship with our creator. I just don't want to let anyone besides myself be in charge.

And so. I don't pray. Why pray about something, when I can just take care of it on my own? Even if I can't... I can try! And so. I haven't, until today, fasted.

I tried a few times. There was last week. Then yesterday, I tried again. I decided first of all, that coffee is OK. Because I don't want to give that part of control over to God. Then I thought I better take a vitamin. The problem with that is you're not supposed to take them on an empty stomach. And so within 15 minutes, I was nauseous. And cramming handfuls of cereal into my mouth. Fast, over.

Then came the light bulb last night: as I watched my son bang a long stick into a really tall tree, I thought, Damn, I can be such a control junkie. Was it because he'd strayed just one step off the sidewalk, breaking our walk rule? I don't know. I wish I had some crystal-clear moment to share. All I know is the thought came, and it stuck.

I know God is gracious. He gets me. He forgives me. I do love him. I do want to learn to depend on him. So today, I'm trying again.

So far, so good. I did have my coffee. Other than that, nothing but water. It's almost 2 p.m., and I'm famished. Dizzy, too. It's been a long time since I've felt real hunger. This is probably not even it.

A phrase I read in Richard Foster's book The Celebration of Discipline keeps running through my mind. It was something like, "The stomach is like a spoiled brat. You can't give in to it whenever it wants something." I keep daydreaming of food, especially now that I'm at home. It's hard not to give and go raid the pantry.

But if my stomach is a spoiled brat, it's because I am one, too. The bossy kind, who thinks she knows it all and should be in charge.

In total control. 

It's just an 18-hour-fast.

But it feels like I'm opening up my hands a little, palms facing figuratively up to the sky. Give it to God.

Today, I'm trying to let someone else be in charge.

Not so good

Life has made blogging tres difficile this past week.

It's made sticking to stated goals, a la 20 Little Things, a bit dicey, too.

Let's see. There was work. There was Jazzercise. There was crafting an email containing my best story ideas ever to a certain magazine.

There was fretting about all of the above.

There was a certain degree of laziness. And tiredness. I've been feeling really tired lately.So, yes, there was at least one nap.

There was NCAA basketball to watch. Go STATE! And a weird technical issue at work that messed with my schedule.

There was some sadness that my wonderful next-door neighbors were moving out. Sigh. No more wagon rides for two little buddies. No more knowing just who to ask if we need someone to water our flowers when we go out of town. No more nice conversations in the front yard.

Oh, and there was an Easter egg hunt. Must not forget the cutest part of my week of lazy.

Lost in the wreckage of the week, besides a few planned blog posts, were Random Act of Kindness Day, as well as my plan to fast.

On Tuesday, I sort of meant to fast. That's the problem -- my commitment was so half-hearted.

The funny thing is, life made eating difficult that day. I hate to be like, it was God messing with me!, because aw, I don't know. But first I ran out of time for breakfast at home. So on the way to work, I pulled into the doughnut place before I realized I had no cash. That's all they take. So I got back on the road and saw my bank had a branch on the next corner. I pulled in. Through the exit. So then I had to turn myself around like a big weirdo, all the while wondering if the bank had me on camera and would put my license plate in some "suspicious activity" file. Also I was thinking, "Is this really worth it for a damn glazed cinnamon bun?"

I guess it was, because I got the bun. Then lunch came. I decided since I hadn't fasted at breakfast, there was no point at lunch. So I began to walk up to the cafeteria, when low and behold, I saw my wallet was missing. Duh. D'oh! I left it in my car. A trek out to the parking lot a block away later, and 15 minutes later, I was back at my desk, enjoying my salad. (Of course, eating a salad for lunch makes up for eating a doughnut for breakfast, don't cha know.) Halfway in, my plastic fork broke, mid-spear. I had to finish the rest of the damn thing with a mini fork. And with my fingers.

So can you see why I started to wonder if I really was supposed to fast that day?

I know have only a few days left until April to complete that, as well as write a had-written letter, call my brothers, do my random act of kindness, and go to breakfast with friends. Also, newsflash: the dinner party that's on my list? It's happening in less than two weeks, and I don't have invites out or a menu planned. Also, I've way behind on my book reading, my water drinking has tapered off in a major way, I have yet to set aside 30 minutes for prayer in one week, I haven't taken a video of Luke on our real camera yet in 2010, Jazzercise was totally replaced running and if I've going to grow my own herbs, I need to get going with that now that it is spring!

Damn it!

I hate feeling like I'm so off track. So. My plan for today: I'm going to drink water until my pee runneth clear. I'll see if any friends can have breakfast tomorrow. I will make my menu for the dinner party. I'll write my letter. I will call my brothers. And I will say it now, for the record, that it's official: I will fast on Tuesday. And I'll pray for 15 minutes after Luke goes to bed.

I mean it.

Really.

I'll do it all. Right after a little more NCAA basketball...

Random Monday quick hits....

• It's 7:42 a.m., and I'm proud to report that I've been home from my workout for more than an house. Jazzercise, 5:30 a.m. I went once last week. I hope to go at least twice this week. 
• I have an idea for Random Act of Kindness Day, which is coming up on Thursday. It involves Cadbury Cream Eggs. I apparently don't know how to do something kind without fattening people up. We'll see if I stick to this idea or figure out something better in the coming days.
• I made one of my 20 Little Things to fast once per quarter. Well, guess what? Quarter one is just about up. A week or so to go. Which means I'm going to be doing a one-day fast in the coming days. I'm considering doing it tomorrow. That means eating dinner tonight and then no food again until dinner Tuesday. I worry a bit though that I'm not "prepared." But I don't know, maybe that's missing the point. Part of me feels like I should go on a mini-fast to prepare for my fast. Or at least eat, like, mostly fruit today.
• MSU is in the Sweet Sixteen! One of the best buzzer beaters I've ever seen from the Spartans. Shots like that never seem to fall for them. I have doubts they can go much further without Kalin Lucas. But still very cool to see them back in the Sweet Sixteen. Where they belong. :)
• I rearranged my family room yesterday, and I am so wishing I'd done this, oh, three years ago. Now we need to get two new armchairs, and that room will finally be a comfortable place. Yay!
• And finally, I never take photos of my cat anymore. Luke eats up most of my camera attention. But the other day she was curled up in the sun, and I took a few photos for old-time sake. Enjoy, and enjoy your Monday, too!